The Chrlog

Trains

2009-05-28T08:40:00.000Z

Trains are fantastic at getting you from A to B.

You can read a book; you don't get lost (mainly); you can even sleep, if you're so inclined.

What they aren't so good for is getting you to aforementioned point B at time C.

Or even at time D which is one hour later than C. (We could call it C+1 if you prefer!)

It is also less good at guaranteeing you won't be sat next to E, who smells/talks at you/has a particularly aggressive form of mental illness.

Nor does it stop you from being dismissed rudely by F, the alleged customer services representative at B. (Remember B? It was the destination.)

Anyway, must go, I'll be at B in five minutes.

Burn after weeding

2009-04-09T10:57:00.000Z

After a long hiatus brought about by the weeding (which I might revert to calling the wedding in acknowledgement of the extreme age of the joke) I am back in Blogland.

I am also on honeymoon!

It is going very well so far (Rebecca Juliet is in the shower otherwise I would of course be lavishing her with attention) and we are immersing ourselves in the three L's.

1. Love (obviously!)
2. Laziness (this is probably more a feature of honeymoons that I am on)
3. Leamington

Yes, we are on honeymoon in Leamington Spa and I have picked up a bit of sunburn (curse rowing boats!).

Thankfully it is raining today so I'll probably be okay.

Famous Blogger Meet Up 2008!

2008-12-29T18:26:00.002Z

This one was quite exciting.

Two famous bloggers went to the local pub the other day. It was epoch-making.

First of all, we had the incredibly handsome and debonair Chris from www.thechrlog.blogspot.com - you will no doubt be familiar with his genius.

And then there was the insanely cute Ned from www.nedtheboy.blogspot.com - he had the most incredible cap and was 83 times cooler than me. He was shorter too, but I am not sure how long this will last.

We didn't get as long as I had hoped (to compare girls on either side of the atlantic, for example) but it was great to meet him, and I was impressed with how little he spoke like a Brummy!

(Le Welsh, Molly and Juliet were also there.)

Back at High School

2008-12-19T23:34:00.002Z

I am currently being forced to watch High School Musical.

What a special film it is...

I hope you are also having a good Christmas.

(... keep your head in the game.)

The dread sprout

2008-12-08T19:44:00.002Z

We do not buy vegetables from the supermarket. Nor do we buy them from the greengrocer, which would be perfectly acceptable were it not for the gruelling full-time jobs we are forced to hold down by the alluringly alliterative Credit Crunch.

Instead we get a nice man to deliver them in a (recyclable) box. This is all very good as all the vegetables and fruit and salad are grown locally (except I suspect for the bananas and kiwi fruit) and taste appropriately delicious.

His radishes are superb.*

The downside (which is actually an upside if you are relatively freewheeling people like we are) is you don't know what you are going to get. This has resulted in us having pumpkins, marrows and all manner of exciting things we haven't known what to do with (soup and stuffed respectively, if you are interested).

Anyway, let's not beat about the bush. It's December; we got loads of sprouts. That's where I'm going with this, as you probably worked out.

So far I have been subjected to sprouts with a roast and a sprout curry. I have not yet suffered sprout marmalade or sprout en croute. But I fear it is only a matter of time...

So, please post your sprout recipes in the comments! (Let's see if I can get one hundred comments out of this.)

* one for the fans of Carry On, there.

Further adventures in acronyming

2008-12-02T10:18:00.002Z

So... all this talk of TWOCking reminded me of another pet hate of mine.

Yes, yes, I know I have too many!

TWOC is retarded in the same way as BHCA* is. Because without is one word and so is healthcare. People at work use HC for healthcare all the time - it is inconceivable to me that no-one has pointed the error of their ways out to them before now!

To their great credit, it has to be said, all the healthcare organisations that I researched for this post (i.e. used Google for five minutes) had healthcare as a single word. Well done to them!

UPDATE: Unfortunately, the reason for this is that I had searched for "healthcare" as, of course, you would if you were a normal person. If you search for "health care" then you too will run, screaming.

* British Health Care Association

The T&Ts* of TLAs**

2008-11-27T21:45:00.003Z

One of the problems with working for the NHS*** is its near-obsession with TLAs.

If I am not thinking about PBR,**** then I am wondering how WCC***** plays into PBC.******

When you are new, you tend not to know what these abbreviations are, and you have to ask. I was, however, excited to recognise a TLA the other day, and promptly shared my knowledge.

I can confirm now, through personal experience, that when someone in my line of work talks about a PSO, they mean a Public Sector Organisation and do not mean a Phone Sex Operator.

I will leave the room full of stunned (and important) people, and my own mild embarrassment to your imaginations.

And, yes, Molly, this is all your fault.

* Trials and tribulations
** Three letter acronyms
*** National Health Service - come on you should have known that one!
**** Payment by results
***** World Class Commissioning
****** Provider-based commissioning

Talking or eating?

2008-11-24T21:38:00.004Z

I think it was Welshy who first brought my attention to the possibility of having wedding speeches before eating rather than after. And Knig Steffen has also been known to allude to it, albeit subtly.

I am somewhat divided on the issue (insomuch as I can be, given that I am so well-adjusted and all!)

1. I prefer speeches after. (Quite basic this one.)
2. But... I am reliably informed people get nervous about speaking.
3. But... they are wusses, and should get on with it.
4. But... I need to keep my best man happy so he doesn't infest our special day with vicious lies.
5. But... I will be hungry and so will other guests, and you don't want them not listening through hunger.
6. But... I don't want to actually make the other speakers unhappy.
7. But... you can have the starters already out on display as people arrive if you do the eating first, and it might look pretty.
8. But... we probably aren't having starters!
9. But... People need time for their food to settle down before shaking their bootay on the dance floor.

I don't know. I suppose the first thing to do is to speak to the relevant parties and find out how concerned they are.

What do you think?! Before or after?

Bonnie Prince Charlie*

2008-11-14T23:08:00.005Z

It's Prince Charles's birthday today. Not to be confused with Prince Charles' birthday.

Happy birthday PC.

It's hard not to feel a little sorry for the chap. After all, he's coming up on retirement age now, and I'm sure we've all been in the situation where we've got our eye on a certain job, but some other bugger's got it. Time's a ticking!

* Not to be confused with the other Bonnie Prince Charlie

Top tip #54: Nose hair

2008-11-10T23:13:00.003Z

As a gentleman (and I believe also a lady, although we are not supposed to mention this!) advances in years, one of the pleasures in store is nostril hair. And then ear hair, but that is a whole other story.

Naturally, the done thing is to trim it so as not to cause offence to your fellow man.

However, what I do, and I suggest you follow my example, is to keep one really long nose hair. You can fold it in half and tuck it away. If you are in a situation where you might find yourself nodding off (e.g. boring meeting at work, lecture, classroom, etc) then you can, discreetly of course, give it a sharp tug. Mildly painful though it may be, I find that this has the useful side effect of jarring you back into full wakefulness.

Let me know how you get on.

So... what next?

2008-11-05T22:01:00.002Z

So... he won! Well done America.

It's quite impressive; black people in America make up 13% of the population (I got this from Google so it might not be right!) and 13% of 44 presidents is 5.7, so they're only a couple behind now. A couple of women and Latinos elected and then they will be the most equal nation ever.

Think how many Prime Ministers we've had and we've only ever had white middle class men*. We are loads behind.

Let's hope he does a good job. The biggest reservation I have is that his entourage have billed him as a kind of transcendental politician. He's probably just an ordinary guy.

I've read his book, he's got a lot of good stuff to say. I hope he (a) wants to and (b) is allowed to do some of the stuff he talks about in it. Good luck, Barack.

* Doesn't count and you know it.

America, don't fuck it up

2008-11-04T23:24:00.001Z

You heard.

Productive wedding day

2008-11-01T18:33:00.004Z

Today has been a good day.

1. We have bought rings. (Two.) See the above diagram for why.
2. We have ordered wedding outfits for the men.
3. We have been shopping in Morrisons where my card was repeatedly declined - very irritating and I am sure not connected to the insane expense of points 1 and 2! Ummm...
4. We have eaten a lot of Chinese food... mmmm...
5. I have just about finished sorting out the letter to accompany the wedding invitations. Please don't be offended if you think that this post is just another form of displacement activity; I just didn't want any more tea!

How is everyone else? Please reply in list form in the comments. Thanks!

No hidden meaning

2008-10-24T18:52:00.002Z

Some excitement today:

"You have been invited to take the 'What does your birth date mean?' quiz on Facebook!"

My birth date is 29th June. Or, if you are American, June 29th.

This means that I was born on the 29th of June.

This is all it means.

(But then, I would say that as I am a cancerian, and we are natural sceptics*.)

World gone mad (again)

2008-10-02T21:07:00.002Z

I was in an unnamed bakery today, let's call it Peg's.

Me: "Hello, one loaf of bread please."
Fool: "I'm afraid we don't sell bread."
Me: "But... this is a bakery."
Fool: "...we don't sell bread."
Me: "Yes, you said."
Fool: "You can have a Caramel Croquembouche."
Me: "I... what?"

Why would a bakery not sell bread? It's hard to say.

As hard to say as Croquembouche.

Weeding accommodation disasters!

2008-09-13T12:50:00.003Z

Juliet and I have been profitably engaged this afternoon in working out a room plan for our multitudinous relatives for our wedding.

It is a very stressful business as they are legion. Also some are not suitable for being near other ones, some can't climb stairs and others have various unreasonable demands!

Sadly as we had got almost two-thirds through Juliet pointed out that we should save the Word file so as not to be gnashing our teeth when my useless laptop crashed and lost all our work.

Unfortunately, the file name she chose was "accomodation.doc", and so now the whole thing will have to be called off.

Sorry Juliet.

Bad people a.k.a. cathartic blogging

2008-09-09T21:51:00.005Z

Deep down I suppose I want to think that people essentially mean well.

Sometimes people do bad things, and I don't really have a problem with that. Everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes people offend each other unwittingly, and sometimes people then take this to heart too much, and both are minor evils in their way. I suppose I like to think that most offending behaviour can be considered in these terms, with no real "malice aforethought" if you will.

Then, sometimes, I am reminded that some people are just plain nasty. They delight in using their words to hurt other people, and have a soul so crippled that they are incapable of avoiding an opportunity to cause pain to others when it presents itself, even if it brings them no benefit.

To the reader, even at their most discerning, there is nothing new here that they will not know already I am sure, other that a few cheap truisms that may serve to remind them of unpleasant characters they know. In general, ranting without explanation is not a function I particularly approve of in a blog* so I apologise for trespassing on your time.

If I was fond of melodrama I would say that you should console yourself with the thought that this catharsis may save me some bruised knuckles and someone else a fat lip, but as well as sending a slightly mixed ethical message it is essentially inaccurate as I am not a violent person. It may however stop me calling someone an ill-mannered peasant, which I think we can all be glad about.

In other news, I read "Pride and Prejudice" finally, and was pleased to find it as charming as people had always told me it was. Work is also going well. And I have just had some delicious toast. You?

* or a tulip... remember that one?

Southpaw violin

2008-08-26T08:14:00.002Z

After that attempt to alienate everyone but Steffen and Richid, I will throw a question open to the musicians amongst us.

Is it possible to play the violin left handed?

I say this, as the cack-handed politically correct lobby have managed to infest our society with all kinds of gimmicks to persuade us they are "equal". I am sure I need not mention left handed scissors to make us all laugh uncontrollably.

But the violin (and, yes, viola I suppose, although it isn't a real instrument) would seem an exception, perhaps. I have yet to see an orchestra with a neat row of violins with one sticking out in the middle facing the wrong way?

Maybe that could be the plot of my groundbreaking, genre-defining novel? The trials and tribulations of an entirely left-handed orchestra? Trying to make it in a dextromanocentric universe!

I will now have the traditional 4 month blog break while I thrash out a first draft. Bye!

Richard - fool of the year 2008

2008-08-24T19:31:00.003Z

Direct quote from Wikipedia:

"There is considerable uncertainty about defining the difference between lakes and ponds. For example, limnologists have defined lakes as waterbodies which are simply a larger version of a pond, or which have wave action on the shoreline, or where wind induced turbulence plays a major role in mixing the water column. None of these definitions completely excludes ponds and all are difficult to measure. For this reason there has been increasing use made of simple size-based definitions to separate ponds and lakes. In the United Kingdom, for example, the charity Pond Conservation - which works to protect all types of freshwater ecosystem - has defined lakes as waterbodies of 2 hectares (5 acres) or more in area. Elsewhere, other workers have treated lakes as waterbodies of 5 hectares (12 acres) and above, or 8 hectares (20 acres) and above (see definitions of pond). Charles Elton, one of the founders of ecology, regarded lakes as waterbodies of 40 hectares (99 acres) or more, a value somewhat larger than modern studies would suggest appropriate. The term "lake" is also used to describe a feature such as Lake Eyre, which is a dry basin most of the time but may become filled under seasonal conditions of heavy rainfall.

"Further, in common usage, many lakes bear names ending with the word "pond", and a lesser number of names ending with "lake" are in quasi-technical fact, ponds. In short, there is no current internationally accepted definition of either term across scientific disciplines or political boundaries. Within disciplines, authors are careful to define environmental geographic circumstances, and obviates the need for artificially imposed definitions when most of the worlds' people speak different languages.

"In ecology the environment of a lake is referred to as lacustrine. Large lakes are occasionally referred to as "inland seas", and small seas are occasionally referred to as lakes. Smaller lakes tend to put the word "lake" after the name, as in Green Lake, while larger lakes often invert the word order, as in Lake Ontario, at least in North America. In some places, the word "lake" does not correctly appear in the name at all (e.g., Windermere in Cumbria).

"Only one lake in the English Lake District is actually called a lake; other than Bassenthwaite Lake, the others are all "meres" or "waters". Only six bodies of water in Scotland are known as lakes (the others are lochs): the Lake of Menteith, the Lake of the Hirsel, Pressmennan Lake, Cally Lake near Gatehouse of Fleet, the saltwater Manxman's Lake at Kirkcudbright Bay, and The Lake at Fochabers. Of these only the Lake of Menteith and Cally Lake are natural bodies of fresh water."

In maths

2008-08-17T22:44:00.002Z

I was watching The Weakest Link at work the other day.

"In maths, what is 300 divided by 6?"

Um, I don't know Anne... I think in maths it is 50. In fact, in physics it is 50, in computing it is 50 and in the sodding supermarket it is 50.

So there you go: there is the thing that has been weighing on my mind the last week. I hope you have been well.

(The competitor gave the answer as 100 by the way, which is why I gave up on retards on the telly and went back to the real life ones at work.)

Electrickery

2008-07-31T22:49:00.002Z

So... my electricity bill came today.

I will paraphrase: "Dear Mr Chrlog, you may need to increase your Direct Debit as the £30.00 you pay per month may not cover your current usage. Please pay the following amount as soon as possible: £1,578.86."

... Er, I'm sorry?!

One thousand, five hundred and seventy eight pounds?

One thousand, five hundred and seventy eight POUNDS?

One THOUSAND, five HUNDRED and seventy eight POUNDS?

One THOUSAND, five HUNDRED and seventy eight POUNDS?

I suppose on the plus side, the 6% discount that I get for paying by Direct Debit actually worked out to be quite a reasonable amount for a change.

Of course, I phoned "one of [their] friendly and helpful advisors" and we sorted out the problem. For those who like a happy ending, my bill turned out to be the slightly more reasonable £13.40.

In the last month I have

1. Nearly had to pay £1,578.86 for electricity. (See above, are you not paying attention?!)
2. Nearly been taken to court for non-payment of council tax. (They had spelt my name wrong.)
3. Nearly had my water disconnected as my house is vacant. ("Dear Resident, we are cutting off the water to this postcode as we have no record of anyone living there." Uh, hello? Dear Resident? Are brain cells going out of fashion?)
4. Nearly had my gas disconnected as I hadn't paid the bill. (Actually, the same company do my gas and electric and they had set up two Direct Debits to my electricity and none to my gas - smart move. Perhaps they had predicted they were going to charge me £1,578.86 a couple of months later?!)

I am displeased!!

So, how have you been?

Away an bile yer heid

2008-07-23T21:54:00.003Z

It has been suggested that people from Scotland have natural rhythm.

The case for the defence presents:

(Wikipedia has this gem: "notable instruments include saxophone and violin".)

People who are not related to me and/or are not going to be related to me should also feel free to comment. Particularly if you want to abuse the Scots.

Internet faux pas #257

2008-07-22T21:59:00.002Z

Dear Richard and Stephen,

Please tell me that you didn't find out I was going to marry your cousin by reading this blog.

Really you were supposed to have been told already!!

Sincerely yours,

Chris

On the up (or: a post about me for a change rather than a rubbish joke)

2008-07-20T17:53:00.003Z

Things going well:

1. I did RJ a treasure hunt, with the final clue leading to this blog. (The one on the left is me, and a fine likeness it is too.)
2. I have a new job starting September, working for the third largest company in the world (after the Chinese Army and the Indian Railway). No, Molly, it isn't Walmart. (Commenters will get bonus marks if they know which other famous blogger works for the same people.)

Things not going well:

3. I am still too fat. But because of 1 and 2 I no longer care, which is good!

One wrong turn deserves another

2008-07-07T22:38:00.002Z

We went walking in the peak district the other day. It was great. I love Kinder Scout, it is wild-looking and there is always the danger you will fall in a peat bog.

RJ's brother (who we will call Phillip for anonymity) came along, which was excellent as he is doing the Duke of Edinburgh thing and this means you can force him to carry the bag for the whole way without it being a form of child abuse (it counts as "practice", see).

We ended up taking a couple of wrong turns, and for one memorable segment we had to climb down a waterfall, but all three of us ended the weekend alive, which was an excellent result all round.

On Sunday I felt under the weather. I had two theories:

Theory 1
The bit with the waterfall was quite dangerous. There are definitely alternate realities where I slipped and died. Maybe it was more dangerous than I thought...

So, maybe I died in so many alternate realities that I was somehow weakened in this one, in a way that manages not to rip off the dreadful Jet Li film, The One, because it is the opposite you see. So I can't be sued (in the unlikely event of Jet Li actually reading this blog. PS Hi Jet!)

That is a really bad film.

Theory 2
I have hayfever and I was sleeping in a field.

Luckily the weakened-in-alternate-realities fever abated when I returned to a town, lending support to Theory 2 for those with no imaginations.

So, how've you been?

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

2008-04-29T21:27:00.003Z

Blogging; less popular these days than it once was, I feel. (I don't just mean with me, and yes I know I am lazy, Molly, before you start!)

Blogs have their uses though. There was something on the telly-box the other day with Billie Piper in, a series, possibly about a lady of easy virtue, I couldn't tell. I nearly watched it, nearly, as I knew I would write something about it. But then I didn't. Sorry. The point I am (not) making is it was based on someone's blog, you see.

Then I was in Waterstones the other day and I noticed that Petite Anglaise has been turned into a novel of sorts, which I found very exciting. I haven't bought it yet, but probably will, once I have paid my council tax and gas bill, etc, and convinced RJ to stop breaking bits of the car.

What surprised me, on this fine, spring, Waterstones day, was that there wasn't a single book in this alleged book shop written by me. I found myself wondering why I haven't yet made my fortune by reinventing the modern novel.

So I went home and brainstormed a few ideas:

1. Wizard school
2. Jesus had children and hid them under the Louvre
3. Bad ring means short people have to go hiking for ever

but decided I was a bit derivative...

So anyway, that is my new project. To revoutionise the 21st Century European novel. Ideas gratefully received.

Now I have to think of a good start...

"It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a man in possession of an unfulfilling job must be in want of a best-seller..."

I'll work on it.

Recycling day

2008-04-23T22:15:00.002Z

Tuesday is recycling day round our neck of the woods.

Yes, yes, today is Thursday. I am a slow person! Anyway, I was still trying to work out the Doctor Who anagram.

The good thing about recycling day is that everyone leaves their recyclables outside their houses and it gives you a good chance to be nosy and go through your neighbours' rubbish, which is secretly what we all want to do even if I'm the only one brave enough to say it.

This of course means you can check the relative degrees of alcoholism of the people who live closest to you.

For example, the people at number 48 had about four crates of Stella Artois waiting to be melted down and made into a trendy vase... I hope they know that the rest of the street is secretly judging them.

So, what have you (and your neighbours) been up to?

Irritating conversation, and I don't even watch the programme.

2008-04-20T22:36:00.003Z

Mark: "Torchwood is an anagram of Doctor Who."
Me: "No it isn't."
Mark: [pauses]
Me: "Argghh!"

To most people this won't make any sense; the remaining few probably knew it already.

My new friends, part two

2008-03-27T22:15:00.003Z

Billy
Benno
Malm

It's a conspiracy I tell you. I haven't decided how exactly yet. Maybe I will leave it to that master of conspiracies, Stephen, to work out the finer details.

I will call it The Great Scandinavian Conspiracy. Yes, with capitals.

What they do (the Scandinavians) is enslave you as a child by getting you addicted to Lego. I don't know if this is just boys, but I suspect not from my recent researches (with Rebecca Juliet).

Then they unleash Ikea on you as a young adult (when you can't afford to buy proper furniture). Ikea is exactly the same as Lego, but bigger, and more likely to make you hit your thumb with a hammer. This in turn is more likely to make you accidentally say "fuck" in front of your mother.

Then you eventually have children, and you buy Lego for them, and having kids means you can probably only afford Ikea then too, and the whole sickening cycle goes on and on forever.

What I can't quite work out is why the Evil Scandinavians do this. But when Denmark and Sweden rival China and India in the future as the dominant world economies, you will mark these words. Mark them, I tell you!

[manic laughter to fade]

My new friends, part one

2008-03-17T23:42:00.002Z

I have spent a profitable weekend getting to know my three new friends: Billy, Benno and... er, Malm.

Billy likes books like me. That is nice. Benno is more into rock and ro-o-oll. Yeah baby. Malm, well he is more into balancing books on his head and, er... wearing my glasses at night.

Anyway, my fingers hurt; I kept hitting them with a hammer.

Bye now.

"You're through to 333, garrrrrh me hearties!"

2008-03-15T11:36:00.003Z

Idiots.

I spend a large proportion of my time (at least 8% at last reckoning) on either a calculator or a phone or on the numerical keypad at the right of the keyboard.

So, WHY, WHY, WHY is a calculator/keyboard organised like this:

789
456
123

but a phone like this:

123
456
789

Eh, eh, eh??!!

I am buying an old fashioned round phone as a protest.

Anyway, to get to the point, I tried to ring the police about my recurring infestation of pirates, but got through to 333. Which you would assume was some kind of part-time Satanist club, but in fact was just a dead line.

(If you have googled "part-time Satanist club" I'm afraid I have nothing to offer you. However, the following link might appeal: Click me!)

999

2008-01-28T23:15:00.001Z

Hello.

I haven't been able to come on Blogger recently. Something to do with having eaten all the cookies. How did they know?

To celebrate (?) my return, I will relate a conversation I had with the operator the other day.

Them: "Hello, 999. Which emergency service do you require?"
Me: "Shit!! I'm so sorry! I meant to ring the operator! I don't even know how I managed this!"
Them: "Oh yes, sorry. Operator speaking, how can I help you?"
Me: "?!!?"

Dear neighbour

2007-12-16T10:36:00.000Z

I know it is unlikely that you are reading this, but I would just like to thank you for the early Christmas gift of a half-eaten kebab that you left on my doorstep last night.

If you are also the same person who was freaking Rebecca Juliet out by messing with our letterbox at 3am then please, please go away.

Yours sincerely,

Chris (from no. 35a)

PS stop putting stuff in my bin too!

And the winner for most absurdly titled television programme goes to...

2007-12-10T14:23:00.000Z

"Best ever worst auditions 3"

Really, words fail me. This is why I don't watch TV.

My day at work

2007-11-15T20:11:00.000Z

[preamble about children's names]
Chris: "A child would surely get bullied with that name... I only hope they aren't ginger."
Unnamed colleague #1: "Yeah... you know... I wouldn't even get a ginger cat. I went to see some kittens recently, and the ginger ones were cute but I had to get a black one as the ginger ones would have grown up... ginger."

Is gingerism the only tolerated form of racism alive today?

Other unnamed colleague #2: "I only really like films where there are lots of explosions... not too much thinking..."
Chris: "Escapism."
Colleague #2: "I haven't seen that one."
Chris: [sigh]

In other news, I got to level 50 on freerice.com... Yeah me!*

* I am sad. But go and check it out, it is brilliant.

Franz Ferdinand

2007-11-10T22:40:00.000Z

I was listening to that old classic "Take Me Out" by Glaswegian rockers Franz Ferdinand the other day.

I quite like them.

But there will always be a small part of me that wants to have them assassinated...

... you know, just to see what would happen.

Internet joy

2007-11-08T22:27:00.000Z

I have internet.

Unfortunately, it is so long since I last had internet access that I now have no readers I am sure.

In other news I had a dream that I died the other night. I was following Gandalf along a narrow shelf and I fell off and my whole life flashed past my eyes and everything. As I woke up, I found I wasn't as dead as I expected.

So it turns out that is also an old wives' tale.

How are you all? I hope your uteruses (uteri?!) are not hurting.

(I didn't even know a uterus could hurt... does that make me a terrible mysogenist?)

Gerry McCann is guilty!

2007-09-20T11:28:00.000Z

... of not using the apostrophe very well on his blog.

As to the other thing... well, I say "innocent till proven guilty" and let's all keep an open mind.

In other news, BT are the world's worst company and I am no closer to getting an internet connection.

So, how've you all been?

Fudging smoking ban

2007-09-10T13:48:00.000Z

I hereby withdraw my support for the smoking ban.

(1) I am surrounded by smoking employees at the entrance to every building.
(2) (and much more importantly) I have nowhere to put my used tomato ketchup/mayonnaise sachets when I have finished with them when I go for a nice pub lunch.

Seriously, ash trays have lots of uses... let's not discard them just because we are making social pariahs out of smokers.

I will write to Gordon Brown.*

* Attention foreigners - he is our Prime Minister now. It should be noted that he is not (as one American politician thought) called Tony Brown. [shakes head]

My turn for a dreadful joke

2007-09-05T20:14:00.000Z

Why did the baker have brown fingers?

Because he kneaded a poo.

(House move going well... but I have no internet.)

I can't afford it

2007-08-30T17:38:00.000Z

Me and Juliet have found a nice little flat to live in.

As a result, we have had many, many outgoings that are higher than usual. Indeed, this includes three sets of rent. Which is a lot.

As a result, "I can't afford it" is my new catchphrase.

I mean, I'm sure we could afford it if we chose to use loads of credit cards, but we choose not to. Blood sucking leeches. Instead we choose to sit watching TV (I'll probably have to fork out for the licence, I'm not too poor for morals, sadly) eating beans in jumpers.

I mean, we'll be wearing the jumpers, not the beans, obviously.

Oh, and this newfound parsimony doesn't include the course that we have both signed up to, even though that cost loads too, as that is self-betterment and therefore very worthy. (And also I put it on the credit card so it doesn't count.)

Alpha, beta

2007-08-28T19:10:00.000Z

Anyone know why the alphabet is ordered like it is?

It has no natural order like the integers, but everyone who uses the alphabet seems to broadly agree on an order, with slight variations (the Greeks with their G's before their D's, for example, or the Welsh... well, let's ignore the Welllllsh).

Welshy, Juliet and me were talking about it yesterday, and we agreed it was decided a long time ago, but we didn't get much further.

Any clever people in today?

Star Wars: no hope

2007-08-27T11:10:00.000Z

Just a quick question really.

I am forcing Juliet to watch Star Wars as it will help her with some work she is doing. It is fun (for me, anyway) and she is having a more enjoyable time than she thought she might.*

But she thinks that Star Wars is better than The Empire Strikes Back... What should I do?

I think the punishment should be mitigated by the fact she hasn't once called it A New Hope, but can't decide exactly how.

Anyway, geek out.

* It's a bit like how Welshy is enjoying Harry Potter now she has actually tried it... honestly, when will people learn to accept that everything I say is correct?!

Avast ye scabrous dogs!

2007-08-15T00:17:00.000Z

Harry Potter was good, thanks.

I am looking for a new job, and a new house. This is complicated by the fact that until I know where the new job is, I will have little idea of where to get the house.

Me and RJ are going mad (not at each other before the girls get excited) in our 3x3 prison, and life is very busy trying to effect "lifestyle change".

The blog will be a little quiet as I lack inspiration at present.

I will leave you with a quote from my lookalike (ahem), Jack Sparrow:

"The deepest circle of hell is reserved for betrayers and mutineers"

So watch it!

9 hours to go

2007-07-20T13:54:00.001Z

I will say no more.

The sex offenders register

2007-07-14T00:46:00.000Z

"You know, I'm not sure these people should even be in schools."

This is a joke by Jimmy Carr*. I went to see him last week. He was simultaneously very amusing and very offensive. This was one of his tamer ones. In general, I would recommend him without hesitation, unless you are easily upset. Give him some money; go see a show or buy a DVD. Or if you are a cheapskate then go and search him on YouTube.

In the spirit of this blog, here is my e-mail correspondence with Jimmy.

Chris wrote:

Hello there.

On your recent DVD you asked people to send in jokes. So here is one:

Q: How do you kill an entire circus?
A: Go for the juggler.

I apologise if it is not suitable for your purposes. If you were to use it on stage you might find you have to adapt it to your own style. Here is my suggestion of how to do so:

Q: How do you kill an entire circus?
A: Go for the fucking juggler, you fat cunt.

Anyway, hope the joke at least made you laugh.

Chris

You will recognise the joke as one I put on the blog a while back (or you might not). I am very fond of it, so hoped Jimmy would be too. I had a mixed response:

That email really made me laugh.

I went from thinking this bloke is a little simple to; hang on I’m the simple one, he’s very funny.

I may just have to rethink my style.

Big up

Jimmy (yes the real one retard)

I thought "retard" was a bit harsh personally. And I can confirm from last week's performance that he hasn't rethought his style, and I am glad. Maybe I was pushing it with my reply however:

Fair play, you answer your own emails. I respect that.

Interesting use of a semicolon for someone with four A's at 'A' Level, though.

I am glad you laughed, although I should point out that I paid £13 for the privilege of laughing at you (on DVD).

Would you like to send a cheque or shall we meet?

Chris

Anyway, this was a while back and I haven't heard back. Do you think he has a restraining order placed against me? Should I email him to congratulate him on his show, or does this make me look a bit like a psycho stalker?

Your thoughts are welcome, and I will leave you with my favourite Jimmy Carr joke:

"I split up with a girl once because she lied about her weight. Well, I say that; she died in a bungee-jumping accident."

* and one that will have made no sense to the people who don't read the titles of blog posts

Dracula

2007-07-12T15:41:00.000Z

Dracula cannot see his own reflection in a mirror. It is well documented in film and TV. (Also probably in the original book, but I am not certain of this.)

Despite this, his hair is always immaculate.

Well done, Dracula.

Guerrilla dentistry?

2007-07-11T22:37:00.000Z

I had a filling just recently. It was very painful, mainly in the wallet area. This is because I am "band two" NHS which is far too complicated to discuss now.

As I went back to work with my silly lolling jaw, (not to be confused with a LOLing jaw) I was of course subject to the ridicule that talkingg lyike thish entails.

Irritatingly, however, I was also subjected to the following conversation:

Person at Chris's work who will remain nameless: "So you had a filling then?"
Me: "Yesh."
PACWWWRN: "I don't have any fillings!"
Me: "That'sh lovely. I am so pleashed for you."
PACWWWRN: "Yes, I have excellent teeth." [followed by a smug look]

It really pisses me off when people try to claim it somehow makes them morally superior to have no fillings, and to suggest that I do not look after my teeth properly. You don't get the same thing with broken bones do you? This is even more true when it is invariably, as it was on this occasion, followed by this conversation:

Me: (irritated now) "So, exactly when did you last go to the dentist?"
PACWWWRN: "Oh about 12 years ago. I have very good teeth."

I'm sorry?

Where exactly is this person expecting to pick up a filling? In the street? When she falls asleep on the train? Maybe I will do one for her next time she yawns.

Pfft.

Young Person's Railcard

2007-07-01T04:52:00.000Z

In Britain, if you are 25 or under you are entitled to a discount card that entitles you to 33% off rail travel. The eagle-eyed amongst you will notice that I am now 26. This makes me Not Young any more as far as the rail operators are concerned.

Because of this, I needed to go and replace my Young Person's Railcard on 28 June to get another year of cheap travel. But (of course) I forgot, mainly because I am crap like that, but also because I haven't been travelling on the train for the last week because of the incredible things they have been doing to the timetable.

But, as I surfaced on the 29th, full of the joys of summer (it was raining) did I feel resentful? Of course not! How well do you know me?

The Scene: Derby Station, 9:03PM

Me: Hello! Please help! It's an emergency!
Man in ticket office: Yes?
Me: I have to be 25 to get a Young Person's Railcard, don't I?
MITO: Yes.
Me: Thank goodness I caught you. I was born at 9:23PM on 29 June, I'm here just in time!
MITO: [inspects my old card] So, your birthday is today?
Me: Well, I mean technically it is, yes.
MITO: I'm afraid we take your birthday to start at midnight.
Me: If I get my mum to come in and promise I was an evening birth, will you give me a railcard then?
MITO: No.
Me: Are you going to wish me a happy birthday?
MITO: [raises his eyebrow]

And the thing is, if I had taken him and pushed him under one of the trains, they'd have called me the criminal.

A new assault on the English language

2007-06-29T21:40:00.000Z

Those hardcore readers may remember my previous attempt to create a word for the English language...

I was chatting to Molly today and I happened to use the word "avuncular" which, as we all know, means "like an uncle".

So... [drum roll]

How about - "tanticular"?

It means "like an aunt" of course!

Your thoughts?

Twenty six

2007-06-29T11:28:00.000Z

I am 26 today.

Feel free to leave a short message with your commiserations!

PS Happy birthdays to Meva and Stephen, they are around now, I think. And anyone else who wants one.

The flood, and the evils of modern Christianity

2007-06-28T23:49:00.000Z

It has rained a lot here recently! Here are some fields near my house.

It has made getting into work very tiresome!

I was reading a story about an assistant minister getting very wet whilst trying to save his church's piano. Then I read this: "the only casualty was a puppy owned by the Sunday School," he laughed. "We found it head down floating outside the church! He's hanging on a line now, I hope he dries out!"

Er, what?!

I was getting ready to post about the evils of modern Christianity, but then I realised I had misread it, and it said "puppet" not "puppy".

Shit.

Judgment or judgement?

2007-06-27T17:55:00.000Z

That is all.

BANK OF AFRICA OUAGADOUGOU

2007-06-23T22:53:00.000Z

My profuse and sincere apologies must go out to Blog World for my extended absence.

I will come back and comment at the comments later.

The reason I have been absent is because I received an email titled, like this post, "BANK OF AFRICA OUAGADOUGOU".

This is from a very nice man called Abuduli Usman. I don't know how Abuduli has heard of me, but he has been assured of my "discretion and capability" by a "mutual acquaintance" and so it would seem churlish of me to refuse his request for help.

I merely need to provide the details of a UK bank account so he can give me US$8.5 million.

I have never received an email like this, although I have heard a lot about them. The first thing I noticed about it was how transparently scammish it was. The reason why they needed a UK account (an American philanthropist and his lady wife had died in a plane crash, and as he was a "foreign" then they needed another "foreign" with a valid passport to pay the cash to) wouldn't have deceived a child. So how do people fall for these things?

The second thing I noticed was that it had arrived in my Inbox (his email was yahoo.ca, if you are interested, and I don't rememeber .ca being assigned to Burkina Faso when they were doing the domain name handouts... in fact didn't it go to that annexe of the US, I forget its name... anyway!) and I wondered how this had happened... I had been careful to split my email address in the side bar so it took up two lines with a line break in beween.

And then!

I spotted a comment from Welsherella which had my email address in full with no obstructions!* Don't trifle with me Welshy! You stepped outside the circle of trust before... don't make me expel you permanently... If you're not in the circle you're against us!

I have my (good) eye on you!

That is enough rambling from me, I have three emails from sultans and two from exiled princes to read.

PS If you would like me to follow this email up in the interests of an amusing story then feel free to forward me your bank account details and I will use you as my "business partner". I feel sure Abuduli wouldn't mind.

* someone technical who understands computers will tell me that it isn't this that has done it at all, but I will know that Welshy has got to you first if you point this out...

Why I had to give up chocolate biscuits

2007-06-15T22:59:00.000Z

As a child I hated getting my fingers dirty. With anything, including mud, food, even my own excrement.*

But I loved chocolate biscuits. Dilemma!

When I was very little this was okay, as my Mum used to undo the wrapping, etc, and feed them to me! Thanks Mum, by the way! But as I got older, she realised this was inappropriate. She would (try to) make me do it myself. "You are a big boy now, Chris, and big boys need to learn to eat their own biscuits! When you go to University next year, everyone will laugh at you if you can't do it yourself." (Joke.)

But I couldn't do it without getting chocolate everywhere on my hands and face. So I would have a tantrum. Then she would frown as if she had raised a weird child and say, "You will have to not eat them then!"

So I didn't. I don't know the exact dates, but I spent several years chocolate free, from the end of being fed until I had mastered digital co-ordination to such an extent that I could do it without getting it everywhere.

It was traumatic of course! But it was also necessary!

Is this common?

* nods to expert turd-painter Ned on this one!

Tread softly, because you tread on my memes

2007-06-14T13:52:00.000Z

You know, I never do memes. So I thought I'd do one. You know, then you can all feel a bit of what it is like to be me. Which I know is what you secretly want.

The 10 things I hate in other people

1. When they do memes
Everybody knows that Weetabix are horrible. If you live in a country that doesn't have Weetabix, you just don't know it yet. Weetabix exist for one purpose and one purpose only: as a medium for getting as much sugar into your mouth as possible. It is well known (to me). They even soak it up. You can get a lot of sugar into yourself using the Weetabix payload system.

In a similar way, Memes are the Blog World's way of delivering as much boring information that nobody cares about into the minds of the innocent ~~victims~~ readers. This is especially true if there are 348953 questions, or if the word count is such that my mobile phone does not have enough memory to load it up. (I bet this one goes that way now... curses... I have such a lot of hate to give.)

Can you use Weetabix as a plural? Anyway.

2. When they are bad grammar fascists
I like a bit of pedantry. I like a bit of grammar fascism. The only thing I love more than the apostrophe is my beautiful girlfriend (hello dear). My beautiful girlfriend can also use the apostrophe... This is no coincidence.

I also accept that in the grand scheme of things it is not that important... If you are not that concerned by grammar, that is fine with me. Except where I can't understand what the hell you are on about, of course, but you know... it's not life or death, is it?

However, grammar fascism and pedantry are becoming a bit trendy at the moment (esp. in Blog World, although I suppose I shouldn't be surprised given the bunch of misfits we all are) and I cannot emphasise enough how important it is that you get it right if you are going to be all arsey about it! I'm not talking about mistakes - everyone makes mistakes, even me (in fact I've probably made about a hundred in this very post) but don't try to curry favour with me by pretending to be a grammar know-it-all when you can't tell the difference between less and fewer, or use "from whence" or any number of other atrocities!

Better just to admit that you think writing is okay as long as it flows and makes sense. And doesn't include the "word" definately.

Now I want to go and check this whole post, but I'm not going to, so I can prove I'm not always anal!

3. When they try hard to be something they are not
Not something that needs a whole lot of expanding on really. ("Hooray!"... "Shut up readers.") I hate hearing people say things like "At the weekend, yeah, I'm gonna get completely legless, you know, go out boozing, don't know what I'll end up doing, yeah, probably sleep in a ditch, yeah, mental, yeah" when I know for a fact they will be watching the Thundercats DVD they just bought and doing macrame, because that is what they actually like doing.

It upsets me when decent people try to impress other (sometimes not that decent!) people. Just be yourself.

I sound a bit new age preachy here don't I?! But I know loads of people who are a bit like this, even if it is only a bit. Sad really, maybe it is Society's fault.*

4. When they make honesty a virtue
All right, tongue in cheek here. Obviously lies are (sometimes) bad. What I hate is people who use honesty as an excuse for venting their spite. I don't want to go into too much detail here or I will end up being too specific, but I guess what I want to say is that honesty is a virtue that lives alongside the other virtues (prudence, tact, not-wanting-to-hurt-another-person's-feelings-ness (my new word), sympathy, etc) not somehow above them.

I do feel that I need to specify that as an atheist (or as a non-Christian, as I have been described even though I prefer to describe myself as something I am rather than something I am not) I do not have no moral code, and do not regard truth as somehow something I have no access to. Are lies bad? Often they are, and they can be pernicious, but they can be venial too. I have perspective.

5. When they claim not to hate things
Get a backbone! You hate plenty of stuff! "Ooh, ooh, I'm such a nice person... I can't think of 10 things I hate about people!" Whatever; I came up with a shortlist of 43 things I hated about people and I was just sitting on the bus! Hey look, I have just slapped you on the arse at work, and then winked. Hey look, I am in the queue at the coffee shop and I have just bought the last muffin and you really, really wanted it! Hey look, you're walking on the pavement and I have just driven past you in my BMW and splashed you and now you have to spend all day in the office soaking wet. Hey, look, I'm a Jehovah's Witness! Are you sure you can't think of anything to hate yet?!

Just kidding of course. Well done for being a lovely person!

6. When they can’t take a joke
~~I like to be funny.~~ I like to think I am funny. Sometimes (often) this means I will take the piss out of people. Sometimes I don't have to take it, some people give it away. I especially like it when people take it back. Do it now!

7. When they pretend to be offended because they know they can and not because they actually are
I am reminded of when Tony Banks (I think) said that William Hague looked like a foetus. Ah, it was brilliant. When everyone had finished laughing (on both sides of the house) all the Tories got in a big old huff and pretended to be upset, and Banks (I think) had to make an apology. Which of course he did with much sincerity and grace. Why did any of them bother?!

This is a more insidious when it applies to perceived offences relating to race, age, or sexual orientation or gender, all of which are serious problems (or the inequalities thereof are anyway!). Are you really offended because Jade Goody is a racist (to go back to a tried and tested, and less topical, example) or just because she is stupid and has a big gob? Who knows, maybe by suggesting this I am a racist myself?

8. When they are Robert Kilroy Silk
Twat. Twat. Twat.

9. When they have preconceptions of what they will like (and therefore will not try new things)
"Oh I haven't tried reading Harry Potter, I don't like fantasy books." Come on Welshy (sorry, maybe I should have made you anonymous! I don't actually hate you, honest!) you can't possibly know whether you would like it or not! Everyone else loves it, maybe you would too!

Or (worse by far) on an occasion where a friend of mine had a dinner party do and had made about 5 curries (all from scratch, and all amazing) as well as a variety of rices, naans, parathis, etc, and my other friend said "well I only really liked the Rogan Josh". When pressed on which ones he had tried and disliked he answered "well I only really tried the Rogan Josh, I don't like much else". Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

10. When they think of something good before I do
Yes, yes, I am the bad one here, I know that. But I hate it when someone says something that has a funny response and someone gives it before I get chance to swallow my bite of ham sandwich. Note how I have set the scene so I have an excuse to not be the quick one, so it is not just that someone might have quicker reflexes than me (curse you quick witted people!).

This also applies if you have done this meme, and given an answer I wanted to give!

11. When they don't like music
You know, I was only supposed to think of 10, but my hate is a bit like a Spinal Tap amp. Most people stop at 10, but I like to have that little bit extra for when I need it. So for number 11 I am hating people who don't like music. I don't care if you like classical music, punk, cheesy pop, nasty grungy rock, happy house or thrash metal (I like all of these!), you can even like the bagpipes (gah, Stephen!**) if you must, but if you do not like it at all then you have no soul. And if you have no soul, may I recommend The Eagles.

Anyway, let's stop hating... Why can't we all just get along?!

* Yes, yes, Mr Wales... there is no such thing as Society...! [sigh] Ha ha, William Hague looks like a foetus! (Ahem.) Sorry!
** I feel I should point out that Stephen is an excellent piper, even if he disagrees with me on this sometimes. I am hardly qualified to comment on technique, I should point out, but he is pleasant to listen to in a way that a lot of others are not. I nearly found myself accepting the bagpipes as allowable music, and then I heard that busker that stands outside Marks and Spencer again (Welshy you know the one)... BLOODY APPALLING! Sorry.

Three surgeons

2007-06-13T22:09:00.000Z

Three surgeons were playing golf. They were comparing their skillz.

"I'm a great surgeon," said the first, one Mr Neutrall, a prominent Swiss surgeon. "Zere was zis man*, a pianist, who lost seven fingers in a freak piano accident. I sewed zem back on - he was playing to a standing ovation at ze Royal Albert Hall in London wizzin ze year."

The other two didn't look impressed.

Ms Bogan, an Australian surgeon, piped up: "That's okay, cobber**, but I had this bloke, he had both arms and legs blown off in a freak wearing-a-hat-with-corks-on-whilst-drinking-beer-and-being-a-mysogenist accident... It took a while, but I reattached them and within 12 months he was winning the Gold medal in the Butterfly."

The Texan surgeon adjusted his belt. "That's real nice," he said, "but I had a real challenge back in Texas a few years back. There was this cowboy, he rode his horse into a train going 80 miles per hour... sustained terrible injuries. All I had to work with was a horse's ass and a cowboy hat... and now he's President of the United States."

I think that's enough from me today.

* Zis is how ze Swiss speak, in my head.
** Er, yes, never mind... fair dinkum.

Game, set, idiot

2007-06-12T22:09:00.000Z

Me: "Wimbledon. You do know where that is, don't you?"
Juliet: "Er... no."
Me: "How can you not know where Wimbledon is?!"
Juliet: "Oh yes, they play cricket there."
Me: "Can we please have a conversation where I don't feel compelled to embarrass you on my blog?"
Juliet: "Tennis! I meant tennis!"

If you think you have what it takes to replace Juliet as my girlfriend then please send a short CV and accompanying passport-sized photo to the e-mail address on the right. A covering letter is acceptable if you wish to draw my attention to anything of special interest, e.g. your charity work, Miss World appearances, unusual flexibility, etc.

Hmph, I'm kidding; I still love her really. Now all I have to do is teach her about... stuff.

Oh yes, and make her watch The Lord of the Rings, mwahahahaha!

Just like this time

2007-06-11T22:49:00.000Z

It has occurred to me that I spend a lot of time puling* and whining about what I don't like but rarely about what I do like without some kind of qualifying remarks... so here is an unashamedly upbeat post about books and films you should all see. Flash Gordon didn't quite make the shortlist sadly, I hope you can forgive me.

Films
1. Being John Malkovich
2. Memento
3. The Hunchback of Notre Dame (Disney version)
4. The Prestige
5. Joyeux Noel

Books
1. Immortality by Milan Kundera
2. Hard Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World by Haruki Murakami
3. Vurt by Jeff Noon
4. The Boy who Reversed Himself by William Sleator
5. A Dog Called Demolition by Robert Rankin

You should all have seen all five and read all (other) five. If you haven't then what are you waiting for?!

* I have used this word to show that it exists and I wasn't cheating when I used it in that game of Scrabble, Juliet!

Like/don't like

2007-06-10T22:18:00.000Z

I watched Flash Gordon again today. It was bloody terrible (I had actually forgotten Flash's criminal "acting") but I still liked it.

I finished reading The Lovely Bones by Alice Somebody the other day. I could see objectively that some bits were quite good, but I just didn't like it.

Sorry everyone.*

I was moved to ponder the difference between thinking something is good, and liking something. Not moved enough to come up with any kind of answer though.

* and yes I do mean "everyone". Please feel free to tell me how I am an emotional cripple for not liking this book, I am ready for you!

Blogging on demand

2007-06-06T20:43:00.000Z

Emma K recently posted 10 reasons why she couldn't be a man. It was good, although she had clearly not thought through the massive advantages conferred by ownership of a penis (for example the ability to buy a pair of trousers in less than twenty minutes).

I made a throwaway comment about how I could easily write 10 reasons why I couldn't be a woman. And so she told me that I should (i.e. here). So I tried. Turns out it wasn't that simple. You lot have it bloody easy!

So... "blogging on demand". I have accepted my first challenge. If anyone else has anything they want me to blog about then email it in. I will probably ignore it, I am like that.

Alternatively, we could convert it into a meme... Here goes... I tag:

1. Emma K to blog on "Santa Claus" or "Trying on shoes"
2. Pomgirl to blog on "Haiku" or "Tents"
3. Welshy to blog on "Tents" or "Santa Claus"
4. Vapidly Vibrant to blog on "Why raspberry-flavoured beer probably heralds the End Times" or "Haiku"
5. Meva to blog on "Trying on shoes" or "Why raspberry-flavoured beer probably heralds the End Times"

Or you can nick each other's categories... I'm not bothered. And you can join in if you aren't there too, I picked randomly. It's a very chilled out meme.

I will link to them when/if (!) they are done!

Anyway, here's the actual post:

10 reasons why I could not be a woman

1. Bleeding. This one is fairly self explanatory. Now, there is nothing shameful about menstruation, but I wouldn’t want to do it. It is messy and inconvenient, and I just can’t reconcile the adverts for Bodyform (running around dressed all in white, windsurfing, being in love with the whole world, etc) with my own personal experiences (knife embedded in wall next to head).

2. Penis. I wouldn’t have my penis. So I couldn’t write my name in the snow without getting a nasty frostbite. Nor could I get it stuck in the vacuum cleaner, thereby necessitating a highly amusing trip to A&E that I really must blog about sometime.

3. Inequality. “To be considered half as good as a man, a woman must be twice as capable.” There is a lot of inequality around still, I suppose. Not limited to but including the problem of career breaks while you pop a few children out. Of course, the finale of the above quote (as I’m sure everyone knows) is “Luckily, this is not difficult.” That makes me smile.

4. Shopping. What doesn't make me smile is the way you drag me round the shops. I hate shopping. It pains me. Nothing to add here.

5. Having to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a satsuma. I don’t really wish to add anything here. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Don’t touch me again, you bastard! (Coincidentally, since I wrote this, I have had a comment from Phishez_rule saying this exact thing. But I didn't understand why... maybe now would be a good time to go into it?)

6. I would have to learn to answer questions. Yes and no are not the only answers to questions if you are a woman. I would have to develop the knack for truly putting myself in the place of the questioner, empathising, and coming up with an answer that addressed the emotional implications as well as the factual ones. As recompense, when *asking* questions I would learn the art of asking “what are you thinking?” at the most awkward time.

7. Body control and appearance. I would have to learn not to fart. I would have to learn to not sweat inappropriately. I would have to learn not to scratch things that itch when appearing in public. On the plus side, I would be able to hug same-sex friends without being called "a gayer". I would have to start having fashion sense, and I would no longer be able to cut my own hair. I would become unable to get from deep sleep to leave-for-work in 10 minutes.*

8. Being an emotional wreck. How many of you have spontaneously burst into tears because “that dress is so beautiful”? Come on, be honest. I don’t think I could cope with all the emotion that you lot sometimes feel over the most mundane of things. I think this one might be hormonal... I also know that if I say that something is hormonal, then some of you will get a rag on. Oh look I did it anyway!

9. Toilet etiquette. I would need to become accustomed to finding the toilet seat up and being annoyed, rather than thinking “already up, how considerate”. Alternatively, I would need to become accustomed to finding the seat down, but covered in wee. I would no longer be able to leave a toilet cubicle and utter the immortal phrase “phew, I wouldn’t go in there for a bit”. I might have to learn how to make conversation in a public toilet, and even (*squirm*) look people in the eye. I would have to learn how to conduct a conversation about my love life (*bigger squirm*) between cubicles.

10. Colours. I would need to learn a million new colours, such as turquoise (a blue), mauve (a red), magenta (a red), magnolia (a white), taupe (a brown), and jade (a green). Stephen knows what I am talking about.

So that's that. I imagine that a lot of girls/(possibly) ladies reading this will now want to make me sleep on the sofa. Sadly, I actually live with a friend at present, and not my girlfriend, so I will be safely tucked up in bed.

You should also probably be aware that we (men) secretly love sleeping on the sofa... we get all tucked up in our little sleeping bag, and it is like a camping trip. Except better, as we get to watch the late night sports on TV.

* Juliet knows that I spend hours in the shower, so she will be able to shop me on this one if she so chooses!

Captain Collie

2007-06-04T19:39:00.000Z

I have been away in Leeds this weekend. I got the train both ways. People who know me may be surprised to learn that Virgin (my provider of "choice" on this occasion) didn't do anything bad to incur my pissedoffness.

On the way back it was, however, very busy, and so I had to sit next to someone. She had an enormous bag on her seat and I thought she was being really rude, but it turns out it was full of bricks or rocks or something, and she was too weak to lift it onto the rack. And don't think I'm being patronising, it was really heavy. I know because I smiled in a manly fashion (in my head anyway) and said "I'll have a go" at which point I did a few grunts and decided it might be better off under our feet.

If there is one thing I hate more than sitting next to a person on a train, it is having them talk to me, but I was pleasantly surprised that when we got talking (read: she broke through my miserable old bugger persona) she was pleasant and willing to go on amusing conversational tangents which would lead most people to bury their head in their newspaper.

All of this is my long, boring preamble to explain why we ended up dusting off an idea for a children's book that she had had 15 years ago, the Eponymous "Captain Collie".

Captain Collie (potential first name "Rusty" although this is not definite) is the captain of a ship on the Seven Seas who fights pirates, rescues damsels and is a Border Collie. He has a retinue of other salty sea dogs, and there is a cast of baddies and a princess and everything. We fleshed out the main characters and cast the inevitable movie version (it should be good, it has Sean Connery and Antonio Banderas in it) and discussed basic plots.

I like to think she will write it and I will get a mention in the preface.

Time to cash in my hard-earned Brownie points

2007-06-02T00:25:00.000Z

Reluctant as I am to swing back round to everyone's hate list...

It has been brought to my attention that it is perhaps not a Very Good Thing to have the following alert on my phone every xth* of the month:

**WARNING WARNING**: JULIET PERIOD ALERT - BUY CHOCOLATE - MOVE BREAKABLE ITEMS OF VALUE - BUY MORE CHOCOLATE - TELL HER SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL

Your thoughts?

* well that really would be too much information!

Is Chris bad? (Part two)

2007-05-31T02:02:00.000Z

Me: "Um, dearest?"
Juliet: "Yes?"
Me: "You seem a bit tense."
Juliet: "I'm angry with you because of the thing with the receipt."
Me: "Er... the thing with the receipt?"
Juliet: "Where you highlighted the receipt to make me pay you. You even split the joint stuff, and worked out how many tea bags we used, and stuff like that."
Me: "Er... when did I do that?"
Juliet: "Last night."
Me: "Last night?"
Juliet: [pause] "In my dream."

[pause]

Me: "I... see. I'm sorry about that... Er, exactly how is that my fault?"
Juliet: "There's no smoke without fire."
Me: "Right, yes I have heard that phrase... what could it possibly mean in this context?"
Juliet: "Well, when you dream things it's because of things that have happened throughout the course of the day... So you must have done something yesterday."
Me: "I must have done something yesterday?"
Juliet: "Yes. There's no smoke without fire."
Me: "Ri-ight... Um, it couldn't have been when I went to the shop could it?"

[pause]

Juliet: "Maybe."
Me: "Oka-ay. Here, why don't you have this chocolate..."

Back. Away. Slowly.

Is Chris bad? (Part one)

2007-05-30T01:19:00.000Z

Hi there!

Sit down, sit down. We've known each other a while now. Take off your shoes. Your hair looks lovely by the way*.

Me and Juliet have been having a disagreement. It stretches back a few years now, and I thought you might be good people to arbitrate. The question is "Is Chris a bad person?"

The Chris that is mentioned in the question is me. Hello! [waves]

This is a general question of course. But it refers in this case to a specific incident. Or as Juliet would probably rather say, a SPECIFIC INCIDENT. (Those who remember THE CHOCOLATE INCIDENT would be well advised to forget about it instantly, as it has no relevance here.)

Me and Juliet were living together at the time, our young love coming out of our very ears. Juliet, however, was most disgruntled with my behaviour on returning from the supermarket one day. Somewhat surprisingly, I unpacked the shopping with no incident, but as Juliet was not in I attached the receipt to the mirror in the hallway.

As some of the shopping was mine, and some hers, I had highlighted (with half an eye on tradition) the various items in pink and blue highlighter in order for her to pay me her share on her return.

All fine, you would think, wouldn't you? What she took violent exception to was the fact that I had split joint items in two so we could share the cost. Moreover, being of a mathematical inclination, I had felt that splitting things like a bag of sugar 50:50 would be unfair, as I take two sugars in a cup of tea and she only has one. So I had worked out the percentage estimated use for each shared item (not as simple as merely 2:1 as she had more cups of tea than me.)

Apparently, for a shared flat this is considered to be rude behaviour?

Anyway, I would be delighted to hear your opinions. As the title indicates, there will be a part two, so if you suspect what this part two might be, I would ask you keep it to yourself and let people concentrate on my (alleged) badness in part one first.

Ta ta for now!

* not you Welshy.

Rock me Amadeus

2007-05-27T22:38:00.000Z

Juliet works in a language school, as you will know if you are a reader of hers too.

I've been there. It's nice.

In the toilet, as well as lists of verbs, some enthusiast has put up a poster called "German Music Greats".

Spot the odd one out:

Beethoven
Wagner
Falco
Bach

I don't think it was a joke.

A gift

2007-05-26T15:59:00.000Z

I would like to thank my colleague Paul* for allowing the following conversation to take place at work last week:

Paul: "For pity's sake, Chris, sometimes I wish you'd give it a rest with your stupid pedanticism."
Me: (pause) "I think you'll find the word is pedantry."

Mwahahahaha! Thanks Paul, you really made my day.

* I should probably point out that Paul is very smart and amusing, and not a retard at all, unlike some others that will remain nameless. He also doesn't read this blog, so I am not just saying that! I just like to be fair.

Tee hee!

2007-05-25T01:11:00.001Z

Americans are stupid, throw rocks at them

2007-05-24T01:18:00.000Z

Okay, this is a title that is just designed to piss people off. I'm in that kind of mood, unfortunately. Sorry, Americans! You know I am fond of you really. Here is why I have chosen it:

Gallup (1999) took a poll asking Americans what factors they might vote against in an election. They proposed a candidate that the voter would agree with on policy, but would have a certain characteristic (for want of a better word) and they were curious to see how this would affect the voter's likelihood to vote for them. Here are the results:

Woman - 95% would still vote for her
Roman Catholic - 94% would still vote for him or her
Jewish - 92% would still vote for him or her
Black - 92% would still vote for him or her
Mormon - 79% would still vote for him or her
Homosexual - 79% would still vote for him or her
Atheist - 49% would still vote for him or her

Hang on?! Being an atheist seems to be incredibly unpopular (I always wondered why I was so friendless, at least I have an answer now). Maybe God has something to do with it, he is never on our side.

So that is why I am feeling slightly anti-American today.

On a related note, here is George Bush Snr's response to a question asked about whether he recognised the equal citizenship and patriotism of American atheists:

"No, I don't know that atheists should be considered citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God."

I won't go into detail about how he is wrong; when you consider the hyper-religiosity of the US today it seems incredible to think that Thomas Jefferson and his friends, whether they were theists or not, were so vociferous in their insistence that America be founded as a secular nation.

I am bored

2007-05-23T23:37:00.000Z

... and how have I assuaged my boredom today?

1. I discovered that I can email my canteen at work.

Dear Canteen,

I have just had a portion of your strawberry cheesecake. Mmmm! It was delicious; thank you very much.
Unfortunately, in my excitement, I accidentally ate the small sprig of mint that you placed on top as decoration.
Is it edible? Will I be okay?
Yours faithfully,

Chris

--------

Dear Chris,

I am sure you will be okay.
Regards,

Wendy

--------

Dear Wendy,

How about if I am allergic to mint?
Would this change your response?
Kind regards,

Chris

--------

NO RESPONSE

2. I telephoned a company called Carter Construction.

Receptionist: "Hello, Carter Construction."
Me: "Hi there. I'm calling about a sign you have placed outside my house. You are about to build some luxury apartments, penthouse suites and duplexes."
Receptionist: "Ah yes. And which are you interested in?"
Me: "I'm not. I'm interested in the fact that you have put an apostrophe in the middle of duplex's, as if the duplex was owning something, maybe one of your luxury apartments. It is upsetting me. Would you be able to take it down?"
Receptionist: "Uh... I'm sorry...? What was the problem, exactly?"
Me: "You have a spelling mistake on your sign. It should be D-U-P-L-E-X-E-S. It will put people off buying your luxury apartments. You need to replace it."
Receptionist: "Uh, of course. Yes, I'll get someone to look into it for you."
Me: "Would you like to take my name and contact number?"
Receptionist: "No, no, that won't be necessary."

If they haven't done it in a few days I am going to e-mail them.

So, what have you been doing with your day?

"Remember kids, there are no stupid answers, just stupid people"

2007-05-21T23:48:00.000Z

Inspired by Pomgirl's attempts to transform her face into various famous artists' oil paintings I thought I would show you what I will look like when they decide to let me guest-star on South Park.

If you would like one then visit the Plane'arium.

Sorry for lack of uninspiring material, but my housemate has just bought a Wii, and I am "testing" it.

While the Chrlog is away, the Wench plays

2007-05-19T22:38:00.000Z

It occurred to me whilst on holiday that I should pop onto my blog and tell those who might be interested that I was on holiday (see previous post where it explains to those who might be interested that I was on holiday). As I was doing this popping (at a public computer in Stansted Airport) I had a chance to read everyone's amusing comments about how Welshy dislikes me, and also the even more amusing horrified backtracking by said Welshy.

I thought I would also see what she had to write on her own blog, but alas was stopped in my tracks:

For those who can't read this, I apologise, but the beeping I was making was starting to attract attention, and I had to take the photo at the hurry up.

It reads:

Webpage:
www.welshgirlinfairyland.blogspot.com
Blocked as:
A High Porn content public site

Now, I had heard she had writers' block, but I didn't know she was willing to go to such lengths! Or should that be "sink to such depths"?!

Sadly, by the time I had returned to England it was back to normal.

So, did anyone go and visit while she was peddling this filth? What was it like?!

More about my travels tomorrow!

... oh and by the way

2007-05-12T16:47:00.000Z

I am in Spain, so will be absent for a while. You might think there would be internet access in Spain, but you would be wrong.

Espere, por favor.

PS Oh yes, carry on having a go at Welshy, you heartless creatures... that will be amusing for me when I come back.

New candidate for worst friend ever

2007-05-08T20:49:00.000Z

Here are two "unrelated" conversations.

Conversation One

Other person: "I have this book on how to make sure your wedding goes smoothly."
Me: "Good idea, Other Person."
Other person: "It says here that if you don't particularly want someone to come, you can just say things like 'I know you have a long way to come, and I am sure we can find you somewhere to sleep on the floor'."
Me: "Ha ha, very amusing, Other Person."

I'd say comfortably four minutes later, the second conversation took place.

Conversation Two

Other Person: "Ooh, I know! When you come to my wedding, you and Juliet could camp!"
Me: "Um, well I'm not sure if that would be suitable, Other Person. After all, we will be quite smartly dressed."
Other Person: "I mean, we don't exactly have any facilities... and really it's just a field with a few bulls in it... but I'm sure you'd have a great time!"
Me: "-" (this is actually me, speechless)

The eagle-eyed amongst you may have noticed that this new candidate for Worst Friend Ever is in fact the same person as the old candidate. The question is this: Does Welshy want me to go to her wedding? What should I do?!

Tragic books I have no intention of reading

2007-05-01T22:44:00.000Z

Yes, that is right. WH Smith (rubbish UK book shop) have finally created a section where all the abused children's books go.

Yes, yes, I am very harsh; I am sorry. I can empathise* with their sad lives, but I just don't want to read their books. End of.

Sorry for lack of compassion today, I have a headache.

* actually I can't, of course. What I mean is that I sympathise, and I can get part of the way to emphathy by trying hard and thinking about the situation and the emotions it might involve, but I will always fall short of genuine empathy. Maybe more on this another day.

Attention sad and lonely people

2007-04-27T21:34:00.000Z

Yes, yes, I mean you.

I love this bench. It is where I would sit, given the choice. Then no-one could sit next to me.*

Why do we not have these in England? Everyone knows how miserable and anti-social we are!

* also it had a great sea view!

Weston "Super" Mare

2007-04-26T23:45:00.000Z

Is this the world's worst Children's Activity Area?

Vote now.

Potter

2007-04-25T22:07:00.000Z

Flushed with excitement with the knowledge that the new Harry Potter film and book are due to hit the cinemas/shelves this July, I thought I would watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. It was good. (Again.)

Did you know that "Mike Newell's Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" is an anagram of "enthralling film, yet we prefer to read the books"?

How strange.

St George and the dragon

2007-04-23T01:02:00.000Z

Happy St George's day to the English folk.

The themed story for today is a small piece I saw on the local news programme (on BBC1 no less) where a man dressed in chain mail, wearing a white tabard crossed in red and sitting atop a horse, was going around local primary schools "being" St George, poking a cardboard dragon and generally promoting the day. He had a lance and shouted a lot and the kids seemed to be having a great time.

When interviewed, one little boy said he was proud to be English, and a little girl said "Prince (sic) George was great because he killed a big fire breathing dragon." It warmed the cockles of my tired, stony heart.

Unfortunately, they then interviewed their insipid primary school teacher, and I got back to my usual business of choking on my own scorn. She had this to say: "It is nice for the kids, as they get a chance to interact with history."

History? History?

What history books do they use in primary schools these days? Everybody knows that dragons have never been native to England. When they film them in (for example) the Harry Potter films they have to have them flown in from Eastern Europe, everyone knows this.

Ptchah.

As for our very own Welsh dragon, it is her birthday today. As I have been being a bit mean to her of late, I thought I would say happy birthday here.

(I'm sure it will make up for the fact I have bought her neither card nor present!)

The right to bear arms

2007-04-19T23:08:00.000Z

It isn't often I get stunned into speechlessness. I was reading the paper earlier (that is where I found out about the Elgin Marbles transfer - I really ought to read the papers more often, it turns out they are full of blogspiration) and came across this letter, relating to the recent tragedy in Virginia.

I'll just copy it in full, I think:

"I was not surprised to see the barrage of rash anti-US sentiment in Metro's letters yesterday. Paul Murphy says all he sees is "hopelessness" in the US and Rita Jones even goes as far as to try to point the finger at the US's "international relations". For the record, Virginia Tech is a gun-free zone, meaning that only those willing to flout the law can enter the campus armed, in this case Cho Seung-Hui. I can't help but think that this tragedy would have been far more limited if a handful of professors or students were able to stop this lunatic with their own firearms." - Brian Corbett, London

Brian, you are a twat. I will not lower myself to comment on this crapulence.

More generally, I know I am not an American, and so really have no right to comment, but is it possible that the constitutional right to bear arms is a tiny bit out of date? Yes, I know that rednecks like guns, I am talking about whether people actually need them like the constitution implies. Seriously America, you are fairly well ensconced as a world power now; it is unlikely that England is going to invade to get our property back. Shall I have a word with Tony? I could get him to write it down and sign it and everything. Then you could get someone to read it aloud to George, and we could all sit down for a cup of tea or a beer and chill out.

A lot is made of the fact that guns don't kill people, and that it is the person who is holding the gun, but on the tiniest reflection this is a complete non sequitur; I can hold a banana to someone's head, squeeze it, shout "bang" and there is a reasonable chance they will end up alive. They tend to die when you do it with a semi-automatic weapon. Guns help to kill people, okay?

Pro-gun lobbyists wield a disproportionate influence over mainstream US politics, and it is unlikely that any change in the law is imminent. But I have a dream*: Average Americans, having the confidence to admit they are being manipulated into living in fear. Forcing their politicians' hands. Come on America, use your heads and say "no" to the spiralling violence. Tighten up your gun laws.

Then I might dare to come and visit. I'd love to see the Grand Canyon.

* I seem to remember this style of rhetoric working for someone before...

Losing our marbles

2007-04-18T18:06:00.000Z

I read today (in a newspaper) that the British Museum may be considering lending the Elgin Marbles to Greece.

For those not familiar with the whole Elgin Marbles controversy/story, it can be summarised as such: about 200 years ago we stole them and they've wanted them back ever since.

The one salient fact that shines through all of the toing and froing that has taken place in my memory is that the Greeks clearly do not have the first idea about the rules of marbles.

I say they can have them back, but only if they throw other bits of the Parthenon at them and knock them out of the circle.

So very, very wrong

2007-04-16T22:04:00.000Z

A long one today, but worth persevering with if you share my twin loves: musical theatre and Spider-man. And who doesn't?

Here is a casting breakdown for Spider-man: the Musical... (source: comingsoon.net)

SPIDER-MAN
Theatre
MUSICAL
AEA 29-HOUR REHEARSED READING

Director: Julie Taymor
Music and Lyrics: Bono and The Edge of U2
Musical Supervisor: Teese Gohl
Book: Julie Taymor and Glen Berger
Producer: Hello Entertainment/David Garfinkle, Martin McCallum, Marvel Entertainment
Casting Director: Telsey + Company
Rehearsals: Begin 7/2/07 in NYC
Reading: 7/12/07 and 7/13/07

PLEASE RUSH ALL PHOTOS AND RESUMES ASAP AND SUBMIT ELECTRONICALLY TO: TELSEY + COMPANY
311 WEST 43RD STREET, 10TH FLOOR
NEW YORK, NY 10036
ATTN: SPIDER-MAN

SEEKING:
[PETER PARKER] Male, late teens to early 20's, Caucasian. A bullied, high school senior in Queens passionate about all things Science, and infatuated with Mary Jane Watson to the point of near-paralysis. Earnest, ethical, and frequently relying on his wry, self-effacing sense of humor to get out of scrapes, he was bitten by a genetically altered spider in Norman Osborn's Lab soon before graduating and becomes after trials and tragedy a crime-fighting superhero. He struggles daily to balance the responsibilities his dual identity demands, as well as with the constant temptation to exploit the powers he has inherited. The burden of being a superhero, his guilt for his role in his uncle?s death, as well as his debilitating crush on Mary Jane all weigh heavily upon him. Great pop/rock voice.

[MARY JANE] Female, late teens to early 20s, Caucasian. Sweet, intelligent, affectionate, compassionate, with a well-developed, wry sense of humor. Her power, her luminosity, arises from the unadorned simplicity and groundedness of her presence. She is desperate to get out of Queens, to get away from her abusive father, and make a name for herself as an actress. Great pop/rock voice.

[ARACHNE] Female, 20-35 years old, any ethnicity. A beautiful, boastful young woman turned into a spider for her hubris and lack of respect for the gods. She subsequently appears to Peter Parker and the audience as in turn a powerful spider-woman who comes from another time to inspire Peter; an otherworldly lover; a bride; a terrifying (and sexy) dark goddess of vengeance; a dance partner in a charged and violent spiders dance of death; and, finally, a lonely, fragile young woman. Possesses an ethereal, unique, gorgeous singing voice. Strong Celtic, Balkan style, e.g., Sinead O'Connor. Outside the box ideas are welcomed. Could be someone from the music industry.

[NORMAN OSBORN] Male, 50s, Southern. A brilliant scientist deeply devoted to his wife Emily and to the potential of science to improve the world. Always thinking, always tinkering, always talking, he is a dynamo, a folksy whirlwind of energy cut from the same cloth as Ted Turner. An experiment gone wrong mutates him into an unholy terror called the Green Goblin contemptuous of humanity and very much insane. STRONG comic chops and strong character voice.

[J. JONAH JAMESON] Male, 50s. Brash, stubborn, and a throwback from another era, the mustachioed, cigar-chomping, tyrannical publisher of the Daily Bugle is always after the headline that will sell more papers. He is unrelenting in his hatred for Spider-Man, whom he sees as a vigilante and a bane to NYC. Need STRONG comic chops.

[GEEK CHORUS] Three teenage boys and one girl who meet to ritualistically retell the greatest Spider-Man stories. They have encyclopedic knowledge of the last forty years of Spider-Man comic books. They are inveterate role-playing, over-enthusiastic, idealistic, air-guitar-wielding, argumentative, earnest, hyper-serious geeks. Strong comic chops and strong singing voices. Any ethnicity.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO, NO. Everything about this is wrong. On almost every line I ended up spitting cornflakes onto my laptop keyboard and pulling out huge tufts of hair. Bono and the Edge? Geek chorus?!!? Gah.

Attention if you are a passing God: if you can prevent this unholy monstrosity from being realised then you will command my allegiance for the rest of my days.

Everyone else: please email the people responsible to tell them to GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAMME. This is a bloody appalling idea. Ack.

Sorry about the slightly crazed/slightly rubbish writing today, I am traumatised.

Charade

2007-04-14T10:24:00.000Z

Me: [flails hands around]
Juliet: Film!
Me: [three fingers up]
Juliet: Three words.
Me: [one finger up]
Juliet: First word.
Me: [two fingers on arm, then one]
Juliet: Two syllables, first syllable.
Me: [shaking motion]
Juliet: Shake?
Me: Very good dear.
Juliet: You aren't allowed to talk.
Me: Sorry. [three fingers up]
Juliet: Third word.
Me: [points at heart and does some fluttering]
Juliet: Love?
Me: [nods, holds one finger up and places two on arm]
Juliet: First word, second syllable.
Me: [raises arm above head and mimes throwing something long, pointing to the length of the thrown item]
Juliet: Pole? Javelin? Ooh ooh, Shakepole in Love... No, no, er, Shakejavelin in Love?
Me: Oh my God are you retarded?!

Till death us do part

2007-04-04T20:02:00.000Z

Marriage, eh? As some famous wag once said, it's not a word, it's a sentence.

Marriage is a contract between two people; a statement they are willing to invest in each other's futures, and share each other's ups, downs and sidewayses. Historically, children were an important part of this arrangement, and concern about the next generation would have motivated the creation of stable family units.

But marriage is more, particularly in relatively modern times. It is a three-way contract between two people and the state. The state agrees to acknowledge that couples who agree to link themselves in this way have certain rights. Moreover, the couples allow that the state has certain rights over that relationship, for example the right to decide on the splitting of property if a coupling breaks down.

This second aspect of marriage only became common practice in the 18th century for the majority of British people. This is because concerns of inheritance and property division were only really concerns for the wealthy. When more and more people started to become rich enough to need regulation, the institution of marriage as we know it today started to emerge. Prior to this, it is interesting to note, the primary way in which couples got "married" in the first sense (although they were not married in the second sense) was to cohabit.

Let's talk about gay people, we haven't mentioned them in a while. All over the world, gay couples are denied the right to marriage in the second sense. Perhaps this is why they are keen* on concepts like Civil Partnerships. Couples who are already married in the first sense can get the social recognition that getting married in the second sense entails. And whatever anyone might say, having the society you live in not acknowledge the validity of your relationship cannot be very pleasant.

The good news, if any can be drawn, is that although there are plenty of people who would want to restrict the kind of person who can apply for marriage type 2, these same small-minded people can do nothing about the same couples enjoying marriage type 1. I like to imagine that this causes them some unhappiness and discomfort.

Stephen seems to believe** that Civil Partnerships are foolish, as they mark a gay marriage as being somehow different from a "normal" (!) one. This comment is what, in part, inspired this post, and I have to say I agree, for reasons that (if you follow the argument above and have read my previous thoughts) should be clear. It is a shame that Civil Partnerships are exclusively for same-sex couples, as otherwise I would definitely prefer to ratify my relationship in this way and not by marriage.

This post has meandered a bit. I think I will end by saying "Come on Britain, you are supposed to be a civilised country, let's remove the differences between the way we recognise same- and mixed-sex couples." Let's not forget that posterity can be a harsh judge.

* Well not all of them, obviously. They are individuals, you know, not just a group!

** Apologies if I am misrepresenting you Stephen, this can be edited if it is incorrect.

Horrific, horrific porn

2007-04-02T03:54:00.000Z

I must apologise to anyone who has unwittingly clicked on one of my links and found horrific, horrific pornography of the most depraved kind. I must state for the record that incest and gang banging are not hobbies of mine!

I have stolen bits of code for this blog from various places. All above board I should add. Normally places will say you can use their code in return for an advert. For example, I link to a coffee maker because I have a counter. Does that make sense?!

One of the add ons that I find very handy is the recent comments tracker. I had a link to the source code to say thank you for this bit of technical wizardry.

OR DID I?!

Seriously, the moral is to check that your links point to where you think they do. My computer probably has a million viruses now... All my future posts will look like they are written in Wingdings. You have been warned!

Wanted: condom testers

2007-04-01T19:21:00.000Z

Before you all e-mail me, I should probably point out that it is Durex that are looking, not me! Sorry girls!

They are looking for a mix of married people, couples and single people. Now I am a man of the world, and I know single people have sex on occasion, obviously as a last resort if there is nothing good on TV, but it would seem unusual in a survey like this.

The only thing I can think of is that they will pair people up when they apply. You would hope you got someone who lived relatively close wouldn't you? Also, you would hope they weren't disastrously ugly. Maybe they provide paper bags as well as condoms.

Anyway, a brilliant twist on a dating website - well done Durex!

Oh, and Sarah-Louise at Durex says "it isn't some crazy kind of 60's love-in" so if anyone was concerned about that aspect then don't be!

Anarchists

2007-03-31T15:34:00.000Z

I always wondered why anarchists tended to drink herbal tea.

Then I overheard some talking, and it turns out that proper tea is theft.

A bunch of James Blunts

2007-03-29T23:33:00.000Z

This is cockney rhyming slang. I couldn't possibly say what for, you will have to ask Welshy, she uses that word all the time.

The reason I am speaking (fluent) cockney is because Molly recently commented that she hated Londoners. I really need to have a word with that girl - she precipitated a massive row last time with her insensitive behaviour towards Americans, and if I am not careful I will have Londoners puling and whining about how they are all right really and the only reason they are often unfriendly is because they are busy and important. Actually I think I have made this observation already recently, I will have to be careful about what I say in case people thing I am anti-London.

Anyway, here is a photo that I took recently at Stansted Airport that I think perfectly encapsulates the London attitude:

Nuts

2007-03-28T00:31:00.000Z

"Warning: produced in a factory that handles nuts."

I know, I know, but it still amuses me.

Guest star: Welsherella, a.k.a. worst friend ever!

2007-03-27T00:35:00.000Z

Chris and Welsherella are leaving a cafe, having completely exhausted all possible topics of conversation. What was that, you hate public transport, Chris? Your housemate doesn't do the washing up, le Welsh?!

Anyway, we bump into some people Welshy knows at the door. One of these people is either from Aberystwyth or has been living there or something. I used to live there too. I worked in a bar.

Welshy says hello and introduces me: "This is Chris; he went to University in Aberystwyth."

Er, what?

"No I didn't," I point out.

Welshy does that thing where she chews on her bottom lip. It is relatively cute in most circumstances, but not the one where she has revealed she knows nothing about me, i.e. this one.

"You did, didn't you?"

"No!"

"Where did you go to Uni then?"

"Leeds! With you! We met there, remember?!"

"So you two know each other pretty well then?" (This said by Welsh's bemused friend.)

Seriously. Worst. Friend. Ever.

Quaint customs

2007-03-25T01:40:00.000Z

Yadda yadda. Here is another one of those conversations I like to include sometimes. In a bid to make things a little more interesting, the cast is ME (me), IM (my internal monologue) and SCM (scary customs man). Enjoy.

SCM: We need to search your bag.
IM: Shit!

That was a good start wasn't it? Let me explain: I am used to getting the Eurostar when I go abroad. Security is just a word there, they don't actually do anything. Even at my most scruffy I can get away with them opening my passport in a cursory manner whilst looking over my shoulder at the nearest arab and wondering if merely "wearing slightly baggy trousers" is enough of an offense to put him in the back room with the French 12 year old police* and a million guns and stout sticks.

The reason I am saying shit is not because I am some kind of master criminal or terrorist, but because I suddenly realised I should have put one second's thought into (a) packing and (b) all those posters on what was and what wasn't allowed, as this lot actually seemed to care. Oh, I was at the bag check about to board a plane in Spain, by the way. Should possibly have said that earlier... sorry!

ME: Um, helloo.
SCM: You pack bag yourself?
ME: Er, yes thanks.
SCM: No one else touch?
ME: No. I don't think so.
SCM: What is here?
ME: Er, well, there are some books... This one is a history of the origins of religion and this one is The Devil Wears Prada, that's a novel. Er, I'm taking it back to England for my girlfriend, I'm not gay or anything. In fact I don't even know what it's about, something about shoes or something...
IM: Shut up Chris.
SCM: What is this?
ME: Er, that's mouthwash.
SCM: Make bomb.
IM: Shit shit shit
ME: Er, no. It's kind of for freshening breath and... er... reducing plaque. [I tilt my head back and do a gargling sound. The man stares at me for about 10 seconds. Don't worry, I stop doing the impression of someone using mouthwash after about 3.]
SCM: I mean can use to make bomb.
ME: [small voice] I promise I won't use it to make a bomb.
SCM: We will destroy it for you.
ME: Er, well... no, yes, that's fine. Sorry.
SCM: Now I have to torture you by cutting off your finger tips.

Ah, well, actually I should probably admit at this point that we weren't really communicating in full sentences. For someone in Basque Spain, his choice of languages (Basque and Spanish) were really very well thought out. My English and French were starting to look like very eccentric choices. So there was a lot of gesturing and using facial expressions. After a bit, I worked out this was not a threat of torture but in fact a query as to if I had any nail clippers.

ME: Ah, I see! No, no, I haven't got any of them.
SCM: Okay, and this? [tissues] and this? [phone charger] and this? [front compartment of bag]
IM: Noreallythistime shiiiit!

Let me explain... There are traditionally two options to the opening question asked at customs: Yes, I packed this bag all by myself, and No, I have to have help to pack my smalls. Really I need a third option. Yes, I did pack the bag myself, but the three zipped up bits at the front are just used for shoving things in randomly. I think the last time I properly looked in these pockets was about 3 years ago. The reason the sweat on my forehead was suddenly getting involved in the story was that during this period I lived with a fair few people who... well let's just say they occasionally used certain substances recreationally. Not Play Doh, sadly, nor Lego. In fact, I could have done with a Lego Dumbledore to placate the Scary Basque Man with his suspiciously straight moustache. The Internal Monologue got involved again at this point screaming at me something like: How could you possibly be in this situation?!!? What kind of person doesn't know what is in their own bag?!

The customs man opened the zip. I don't think he actually did it in slow motion, but it felt like it.

SCM: Some kind of joke?

It wasn't drugs. It was nearly as bad though. It was four pairs of nail clippers. I wondered if it was too late to play it for humour.

ME: Oh there they are!
IM: Juliet, this is all your fault.
SCM: [even longer stare]
ME: To be honest I don't go in that bit much...

To cut a long story short (too late, too late) I didn't go to prison. He went away to test my nail clippers, which presumably failed the cutting-bomb-wire test, gave them me back, and passed everything else as safe. Even The Devil Wears Prada. The mouthwash was destroyed though.

I like to imagine in some kind of controlled explosion, and not just by being poured down the sink.

* the French police system is more than 12 years old, but the average age of a French policeman is 12. And sometimes their guns are bigger than them.

Why I ended up walking for 10 minutes after getting off the bus two stops too early

2007-03-24T02:43:00.000Z

"Oh no," I thought, as I watched the bus driver struggling to give the lady the correct ticket. I had got on the bus (the now famous 14a from previous postings) a few stops earlier, and had noticed the bus driver was a little less than confident... What was it that clued me in, I wonder? Was it the fact that he asked me rather than told me my fare? Or was it the fact that we slowed down before each junction/roundabout so that the whole bus could shout "right!", "left!", etc...?* Anyway, I'm getting distracted!

"Oh no," I thought, as I watched the bus driver struggling to give the lady the correct ticket. (Yes, that was how I was going to start...) Five minutes later, as he was still struggling, I was less predisposed to feeling sorry for him, and was looking at my watch, concerned I would miss my train. Just as a man plonked himself next to me. So much next to me, in fact, that I think we overlapped slightly.

"Fucking ridiculous, mate."

"Er, yes." I assumed he was talking to me, so I talked back. Mistake.

"This wouldn't be tolerated in London."

"Oh, right. You, er, from London then?"

"Yeah, seriously. Fucking hell. People would be going mental by now. Screaming and shouting."

"Well, people there are very busy and important." Perhaps this was the wrong thing to say, as he gave me the are-you-taking-the-piss look.

"Why is he bothering?" the man continued. "It's not as if an inspector is going to come and check!"

"He is possibly wanting to get it right?" I (naively) observed.

"Well it didn't work, because I just pushed past and didn't pay."

I paused. "Um, well done?"

"Huh, yeah, and another thing. If you get on the number 16 from here, it actually goes a different way. The distance is shorter but... get this... the fare is more!" He looked excited by this, showing an above average grasp of Leicester's public transport system for a Londoner.

Me: "Mmm. Good grief. That is... unusual." I swapped "uninteresting" at the last minute - good old reflexes.

"It reminds me a bit of the CSA."

This had me a bit confused. "Er, I thought they were the Child Support Agency."

"Yeah. Bastards. The thing is, what if the man earns, like, £100,000 and the mother is on, you know, benefits, and they still say 'you have to pay your 15%' without thinking that the man might have some questions about why he is paying for her to sit on her arse. I mean why, why, would he do that?"

"Er, I suppose to make sure his child was provided for?"

This is the bit where he stared at me.

"Oh look, here's my stop," I said, climbing out onto a completely unrecognisable street.

I love random anecdotes. This one is actually responsible for pushing the story of how I nearly got arrested at Spanish customs to another day. So there's something to look forward to.

* this was in itself an incredibly amusing experience, and well worth a post by itself, but sadly this is not to be!

Caixo!

2007-03-16T20:55:00.000Z

Hello and welcome to Chris´s travels in Spain. The first good news is that the Spaniards have wisely adopted the QWERTY keyboard instead of the AZERTY. Well done Spain. Another mark against the French!

Upon arrival, RJ challenged me to name all the countries in the EU. I got 24, which I considered to be quite good. I only missed out three. One of these was the Netherlands, which I was quite embarrassed by. The other two were... well I´m not telling. RJ says she is going to post about it, so you can miss those two off yourself when you get the challenge.

Heads swimming with the excitement of long lists of places, we decided to see if we could name all 50 states of the US. We did quite well, and got all 50. Unfortunately, these included Cleveland (which is not a state, although there is a place called Cleveland in 19 states... in fact there are five Clevelands in Wisconsin... come on Wisconsinites, get some imagination!), Detroit (selfishly already in Michegan), Omaha (ditto Nebraska) and Chruliet (um, well we were getting desperate!).

We missed out on New Jersey and Pennsylvania, amongst others, which are some of the most obvious ones... how sad!

This is why we are to be believed when we say we are some of the coolest people on the planet! Hand on heart - are you this cool? I think not!

Agurrrrr!!

In the style of

2007-03-12T23:38:00.000Z

I very rarely write about my daily life on this blog. I think if I actually used the irritating new labels system (which, for the record, I can never use as it was not operational when I started, and it would be too much work to go back to the start and add labels) they would mainly be things like "ranting: trains", "ranting: buses", "public transport and its downsides", "spelling mistakes made by people who should no better", "attempting to be controversial after a bored spell", etc.

Other bloggers use their blogs to tell people about the shops they have visited/the TV they have watched that day so I thought I would give it a go.

I might try a meme or set up a retarded blog for a pet next. Hey, no, wait: I'm going to set up a blog for my housemate, but I am going to update it for him and not tell him about it until he really pisses me off! It will say things like "I ripped up the carpet and took the door off the toilet and then I stood in Chris's doorway and laughed."

Anyway, if, as I suspect, some of you use this blog as a kind of rudimentary self help package, you may wish to skip this - your time would be better spent reading up on my thoughts and philosophies.

12 March 2007 (in no particular order)

1. I met Welshy for coffee. She has a new coat. I was on time! She had a grim, joyless, "skinny" something, and my caffeine-riddled concoction had whipped cream and caramel dolloped liberally over it.
2. I realised that I owned no Bob Dylan albums, and so immediately bought Nashville Skyline and The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan. Apparently Bob is one of HMV Derby's top sellers today.
3. I watched a group of three children hurling themselves at the barrier at the railway station trying to get to Hogwarts. I resisted the temptation to join them.
4. I missed the 14a bus in Leicester (a city I am wholly unfamiliar with) as I was in the process of asking the 14 (crucially no "a") which bus I needed, and it drove past the stop. Instead of saying "unlucky mate" and laughing, the nice bus driver of the 14 told me to climb aboard and we raced the other bus to the bus station down the road. I was then able to jump onto the correct bus (just). If you are in Leicester then say hello to the nice man from me; you will recognise him as he works for First, not Arriva, has a turban, and is called Sam.
5. I had my personal space repeatedly invaded by an old lady. What is the most politically correct way to shout at an octogenarian in the street? Can one use the word "fucking", or is this not allowed?
6. I spent 20 minutes meditating in a waiting room (again at the station) - it was very relaxing.
7. I saw the following sign in a hospital foyer:

BANNING SMOKING IN PUBLIC PLACES REMAINS THE SINGLE GREATEST REFORM THIS OR ANY GOVERNMENT CAN INTRODUCE TO IMPROVE THE NATIONS (sic) HEALTH.

"THE FREEDOM OF AN INDIVIDUAL TO AVOID CANCER CAUSING FUMES DESERVES TO TRIUMPH OVER THE SUPPOSED RIGHTS OF A TOBACCO ADDICT." (my emphasis)

which is a fairly strong sentiment. The second bit is in quotation marks so I am assuming it has been said by someone relatively important. Of course we are dealing with someone who cannot use an apostrophe and who feels the need to write in capitals, so I could be wrong.
8. I sent someone a birthday card. It cost me a million pounds.
9. I didn't go to work. Hooray!
10. I blogged. I was unnecessarily rude about pet blogs for which I apologise. I can't decide whether I am apologising because some of them are very worthy and well-written or because I am scared Lenman will scratch my face off. I think it is both.

Coming soon: having my yearly bath and making Juliet's anniversary card (our anniversary was last week).

See you soon.

Celebrate!

2007-03-01T01:02:00.000Z

This blog is one hundred posts old.

Feel free to leave a short congratulatory message!

Fundamentalism

2007-02-28T23:45:00.000Z

1. "I believe that black people are all criminals."
2. "I believe that AIDS was a disease sent down by God to punish homosexuals."
3. "I believe that when someone commits murder they should be hung by the neck until the brain is starved of oxygen and they die."
4. "I believe that MC Escher is a rapper."
5. "I believe the earth was created in six days."
6. "I believe that privatisation of public amenities results in a better service through healthy competition."
7. "I belive that rape victims secretly want sex with their attacker."

Here is a list of some things I don't believe. I don't doubt that some people will disagree with me.

The thing they have in common, and the thing that I am really struggling with at the moment, is that they are all beliefs. How much right does anyone have to criticise someone's belief? How much right does anyone have to try to change someone's belief?

I like to think that if anyone in my presence was expounding on statement 1, I would challenge them fairly robustly. I am not sure this is true for some of the others. I think it is true for statement 6 for completely different reasons.

Statements 2 and 5 for me are both irrevocably incorrect. This is my opinion. I think I would challenge 2 more than 5, as 2 is incredibly offensive, whereas 5 is just bizarre. It has, however, been pointed out to me that it is not really on to criticise someone's belief system, and I am concerned that, unknown to myself, I am some kind of fundamentalist atheist.

This upsets me mainly because I don't like fundamentalists. Tolerance is a key virtue for me, in its purest form and stripped of the negative connotations that we investigated in the last post.

So, in summary, my quandary is that I am not sure if it is wrong to criticise beliefs at all, whether there are set occasions when it is and isn't, and if there are some topics for which any opinion is acceptable and some for which there is a prescribed opinion. If anyone wants to share their thoughts, they would be most welcome.

Oh and apologies to those who like the lighter hearted stuff. But, you know, mix and matching is key to retaining your audience, or so they say.

Some thoughts about Gay

2007-02-26T04:00:00.000Z

Okay, okay, I'm about to contravene my second law of blogging, but here we go:

Homosexuality. Some men like women. Some men like men. Some women like men (except when they leave the toilet seat up!) and some women like women. Often these are not the same kinds of women that are in the films about women liking women watched by the men who like women. If you follow me.

This is a matter of biology. Perhaps also of environmental factors, I don't know. What it is emphatically not is a question of ethics or morality. One way of doing things is not inherently better than another. Frankly, it amazes me that otherwise reasonable people in the 21st century could persist in the belief that homosexuality is somehow "wrong".

It is not enough to say it is wrong but somehow you "tolerate" it. Think how you would react if someone said something about you was offensive but they tolerated it. Do you feel good about this? Wouldn't you (correctly) assume that they still found the original behaviour repugnant? What if this something was a facet of your character engrained so deep that you couldn't possibly change it?

It is my fervent wish that everybody who reads this will agree with what I have said. Not because it pleases me in general to have people agree with me, because in general this is not something that concerns me. In fact, I am delighted to disagree on any number of things with any number of people; it tends to be more interesting that way. No, the reason is that this is something that is absolutely fundamental.

If you disagree I would very much like to hear about it.

Anyone who wishes to point out that you cannot engrain a facet needs to watch their step though! This is more important than a crap metaphor!

Magnesium iron silicate hydroxide

2007-02-24T11:32:00.000Z

This is magnesium iron silicate hydroxide. Apparently it has the chemical formula (Mg,Fe)₇Si₈O₂₂(OH)₂, although that doesn't show the subscripts very well... The reason it is today's blogworthy topic is that it was discovered in Cummington, Massechusetts, and as we all know, chemists like to name things after where they were discovered.

What I can't decide is whether it is acceptable to laugh because there is a type of stone called "cummingtonite".

Britain vs USA: part 23,397

2007-02-23T00:08:00.000Z

As I finished the last post, it occurred to me that although here in the good ol' US of K we use "couldn't care less", in America they say "could care less".

Whilst we often have different words for the same thing, and the same word for different things, this seemed to be an unusual one as they seem to have opposite meanings.

My version, which I am going to present as the "correct one" for the sake of causing upset and disharmony, seems logical enough on the surface of it: what you are saying is so uninteresting to me that I actually can't find it in myself to care any less.

The ~~wrong~~ alternative version, I don't understand.

I know I have some Americans who comment here on occasion, and some people who live there too, so if you have any insight then let me know.

Interesting fact number 49,392

2007-02-22T23:57:00.000Z

Did you know...

... that Irish pubs banned smoking before English hospitals?

I find this unusual.

Although in some ways I think it is cruel. As the patients who are smokers have to go outside. And, although we know that smoking is cool and makes girls want to have sex with you instantly, it is hard to look cool when you are attached to a drip.

In unrelated news, I have absolutely no idea what an RSS feed is. I did, however, click on a button marked "feed" on the settings tab, so if I have done what people are asking then let me know. Please don't take it upon yourself to explain what an RSS feed is, as I couldn't care less.

Cheerio.